This Dumpy House

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm so mad,
I could spit, too, buddy!

I am trying like crazy to get my house all spruced up so I can put it up for sale.  The whole process is extremely frustrating because while I'm improving one thing, something else is falling apart. Sometimes, it's the last thing I just fixed! While I'm re-fixing THAT, the dishes are piling up!




It's so much effort and stress, trying to make my house good enough for someone to want it and not reject it.

This morning, a metaphor just flipped up and smacked me in the face, like I'd stepped on the clawed end of a rake, reminding me that it's the same with ME!  Lately, I've been on all these self-improvement kicks. Yeah, mostly just in my head, because I never can stick with anything but I make all these big plans to eat right and exercise regularly and keep my home clean and spend my money wisely and use my time productively and stop cussing and whatever else I might notice that's wrong with me. Always, while I appear to be making strides in one area, I completely fall on my face in another area often followed by self-berating (and maybe a little bit of cussing - just being honest.)

Not a lot of curb appeal here. 

Don't you love when there's a BUT to save the day?

BUT I am not up for sale, hoping someone's going to come along and deem me acceptable.

I've already been chosen and purchased to be cherished forever, run-down and dumpy as my heart might be, lacking all the latest personality upgrades. Jesus knew all of my flaws, hang-ups, and mistakes, all of my selfishness and stubbornness, when He paid the price for my sins on the cross so those sins would no longer separate Him and me. He loves me in my current condition.

Yep, just like this hideous...whatever it was. 

I have to say that knowing this truth is a huge relief and a great joy because it's just too much effort, running around, trying to fix all of my flaws by myself.

And while Christians have a way of making Christianity appear exclusive, Jesus is anything but exclusive when it comes to purchasing souls and offering His salvation. He already wants you. He already loves you endlessly. He is not willing to lose even one of us. You can accept what Christ has done for you right where you are, just as you are, and still be a liberal or celebrate

Passover or wear a hijab. Some Christians might tell other people they have to do away with this or that, but ultimately, Jesus purchased the house and He will make renovations as He sees fit. Some things He'll leave in place that might leave some Christians disapproving. Other things, in His perfect timing, He will rip out and throw away, like self-righteousness or pride or that judgemental thought you just had about your neighbor's life choices.

Jesus is not looking for perfection but He is in the business of improvement, whether He's dealing with a run-down, dirty shack or a beautiful mansion. You think your place is perfect, my friend? Trust me, you've got a leaky pipe hidden deep inside those walls somewhere and Jesus has the tools to lovingly fix it, if you'll just let Him point out the damage for you. 

Well, my realtor might not be too jazzed if I take this laid-back attitude with my actual house. However, while I'm replacing plumbing hardware and scrubbing dirty windows, I can rest in the peace of knowing that I am deeply loved despite my flawed heart and my repeated failures and that God will fix in me what He wants, when He wants. I hope you will rest in that peace, too.  

Confidently Speaking

 I'm not one of those people who says, "The Lord told me this," or "The Lord placed it on my heart to do that." I've never felt comfortable talking like that because I can't trust myself.  I lie to myself and mislead myself all the time.  Not on purpose, mind you (sorry, been reading Agatha Christie.) It's just that we often tell ourselves something is true simply because we really want it to be true.

Here's a very non-spiritual example from my own fascinating life. It's 6:30 on a Monday morning. I am in my bathroom performing my toilette - which on the most delightful of days consists of merely brushing my teeth and slicking my hair down with sink water. With the best intentions, I assure myself, "You don't need to shave your legs in order to wear those capris pants today.  Your leg hair is blonde and fine.  No one will even see it." I really want it to be true. Two hours later, while on cross-walk duty, I glance down to discover that every single individual hair jutting out of my shins is highly visible.

Augh! Betrayed by my own self once again!!

If I could thus deceive myself concerning things seen, how much more so things unseen?

At this point in my life, I haven't had a lot of experiences where I know for sure that God told me a specific something. I might believe it or assume it or feel convinced of it but I don't feel comfortable going around declaring it boldly because it's highly possible my decision to, say, bow out of teaching Sunday School was my own selfish idea. I'm a little slow on the uptake so God has to really grab my attention for me to know for sure it's Him.

One time, God really grabbed my attention.

It happened about 17 years ago when my kids were five and six. I was newly divorced. My former in-laws were kind enough to let the three of us live with them while I did my student teaching. Life was chaotic and stressful but everything was going fine.  That is, until I lay my head on the pillow each night. That's when I uncharacteristically began to worry. "What if I die? Who will take care of my babies?" I knew my ex-husband was in no position to care for them. He's been in recovery for 13 years now but at the time he was not doing well. Staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night, I would plan out my will and who would be responsible for my kids. I ran down the list of relatives: my mom, my dad, my in-laws, my siblings.  All of them were wonderful people but none of them were me!

It was imperative that these cuties be raised by someone who possessed a particular brand of 
                            kooky!

As I fretted about possibly leaving my kids orphaned, my body started playing tricks on me. My head started to hurt so I worried that I had a brain aneurysm.  I didn't even know what that was at the time but I was sure I had one. Then my chest started to hurt. I was certain I had heart disease and would promise God I would stop eating potato chips if he let me live through the night. I convinced myself I had breast cancer at one point.  I was a wreck into the wee hours.  But the sun would come up in the morning and my irrational fears disappeared. I never even told my sister or my mother all of my concerns because I completely forgot all about my ridiculous worries during the day.

But my fears returned each night. This happened for several weeks. I lived like my normal carefree self during the day but as soon as the house was dark and quiet I tortured myself with the fear of dying and leaving my children motherless.

One Sunday, I happened to get myself back to church.  I returned to the church my husband and I had attended but things had changed a lot and there were so many new people.  I sat next to a young woman I didn't know. At the end of the service she said, "Excuse me, God is telling me to tell someone something and I think it's you."

I was surprised and very curious.  I said, "Okay."

She said, "He's telling me to tell you that you're not sick. That there's nothing wrong with you so stop worrying about it."

He grabbed my attention all right!  I was amazed.  I was thrilled.

Number one: I wasn't dying and my kids could look forward to being raised by their own loving, goofball mother!

Sorry, you two!  I was your destiny! 

Number two: God had said something to me!!!  How amazing is that?!!

It was like the world's best celebrity sighting. Way better than the time Willie Nelson smiled at me or the time Bono leaned down from the stage to accept the rainbow button I handed him.  The Creator of the universe had just diagnosed me!

I had never told another person about my late night worries.  But God knew.  He was there with me when I was stressing myself out at night. He was paying attention to me and what was going on in my life. And He cared enough to tell me I was okay!

At that moment when the girl at church passed on this message, I smiled and said, "Thank you! Yeah, that was for me!" In my head I was thinking something like, "Oh, my gosh, God! Message received!" I stopped worrying immediately and completely.  That night, I returned to my usual unmotherly, stone-like sleep.

What I got from that experience in the long run, though, was, I think, even more valuable.

I don't know about you, but I sometimes struggle with doubts.  I think sometimes it can be hard to believe in God in today's world. Once in a while, I have a little tiny doubt that asks, "Do you tell yourself you see evidence of God's existence just because you really want Him to be real?"

I mean, doesn't it seem a little too good to be true? A God who knows you inside and out but still loves you, who cares deeply about you and is intimately involved in your life?

When I have these thoughts, I look back on this experience that, to me, cannot be denied. It restores and reinforces my faith in promises that are, yeah, too good for us to deserve, but, praise God, not too good to be true. So if you've been wondering...open your mind and ask Him to reveal Himself to you. He is there for you.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7 

Better Than a Security Blanket

As with all things childish, I dragged out the years of dragging around a security blanket way longer than the normal kid. It was only because I had an awesome blanket. When I was little my Grandma McFarren presented each of her grandchildren with a handmade patchwork quilt. The thin layers of mine were tied together with little pieces of fuzzy yarn, so I always referred to it as my "fuzzy blanket."  It was my bedspread on the rare occasions I made my bed and a picnic blanket for dinner in front of the TV Sunday evenings during The Wonderful World of Disney. The best thing about it, though, was that it was so comfortable and cozy and it made me feel safe.

Lying in bed in a quiet house late at night, the knowledge that my parents were in their room down the hall and my fourth grade belief that God would never let anything bad happen to me were the greatest sources of security.  Yet, unbeknownst to my parents, there were many times Grandma's quilt was the only thing between them and a midnight wake-up call from their scaredy-cat eldest child. Tucked up under my chin, the quilt soothed my mind after I freaked myself out contemplating the vastness of the universe.  And pulled up over my head, it was an extra layer of protection against any possible burglars. Whether I was wrapped up in it watching a spooky movie with the family or huddled under it praying that God would stop the tornado-force winds howling over our trailer, my fuzzy blanket was a great source of comfort.

Eventually, I realized that my fuzzy blanket didn't have magical powers. Obviously, if there really was something lurking under my bed waiting to reach up and grab my bare foot, I was doomed! Ha! In the same way, I realized that my dad couldn't protect me from everything. He couldn't control the actions of any irresponsible drivers on the road and he couldn't bail me out if I made stupid decisions. So I grew out of that false feeling of complete security as, of course, we should.  

Here's hoping this picture tricks everyone into thinking
my whole bedroom is tidy and super cute.

This is all that's left of my protective fuzzy blanket, both physically and psychologically:

Later, during the scary moments of adult life, such as having a hospitalized child or having an overdue mortgage payment paired with an empty bank account, there were times when I really missed that security of knowing someone else wiser and stronger was in charge.

A while ago, I was reading Psalm 139 and the reassurance it offers immediately engulfed me in the same cozy feeling of being safe that my grandma's quilt used to give me. It reminded me that, after all, I don't have to live my life without the absolute security of knowing someone wiser and stronger is in control.

This is not a childish misconception of the world.  It won't fall apart from being overused or subjected to the violence of the wash cycle too many times.  It is a rock solid, trustworthy truth to snuggle up to and wrap yourself up in when life gets scary.  So go ahead and get cozy!