Saturday, March 8, 2014

My Celebrity Boyfriends on Parade: Celluloid Crushes Through the Decades

As promised, I am hoisting the dork banner up the flag pole and letting it wave freely above The Crooked Clothesline.  This way, you'll be aware right up front of the high level of goofiness you're subjecting yourself to when you stop in here.

We're all a little weird, each in our own way.  So what sets the Deeply Dorky apart from the rest of typically-weird humanity?  I'd say one sure indicator is a strangely eclectic collection of pretend boyfriends. No, you say? We all have our celebrity crushes. Well, you have yet to see THIS list, my friend.  I never limited myself to the typical celebrity dream lover.  I went so far as to have crushes on fake TV characters and...well, it gets worse.  Scroll on.

First Grade:

  Little Joe and Hoss Cartwright from Bonanza

I look just like Hoss.                                                                                             
Six years old and juggling two guys?  I was a first grade Scarlet O'Hara and they were my Tarleton twins.

Actually, I was torn between Hoss and Little Joe (one was so nice and one was so cute.)  I have hazy memories of pretending that the Cartwrights would come visit me, along with Batman, Robin and The Monkees. Apparently, I was quite popular.

Fourth Grade:

Barnabas Collins, middle-aged bloodsucker from the 60's gothic soap opera, Dark Shadows
I don't know which picture is more frightening.
I just don't know what to say about this. My heart went out to this baddy.  Apparently, I developed my penchant for liking the wrong guy extremely early. (note: If you're reading this and thinking, "Hey, is that a reference to me?"...No, certainly not you.)

Fifth Grade:

Johnny Mathis, recording artist

Other girls were listening to David Cassidy or Donny Osmond.  I was locked in my bedroom listening to my mother's Johnny Mathis albums.  Who could blame me?  I'm guessing my amor for Johnny was well-known in our house because one of my younger siblings drew a word bubble onto the album cover, making Johnny say, "Aandy + me." 

Tim or Jo-el, your misspelled attempt to humiliate and enrage me backfired. I treasured it.  

Note the drawn-on lip prints on Johnny's cheek.

Seventh Grade (and forever): 

Clark Gable

1930's Beefcake: I wanted you to enjoy this one school picture free.  You are welcome.
Again, other girls my age had the hots for pop singer Leif Garrett or the guys from Starsky and Hutch.  That left lucky me with Clark all to myself.  This was long before the Internet or even video rental stores, so our meetings were few and far between.  I had to scour The TV Guide to set up the occasional late night rendezvous.

Ninth Grade:  

Johnny Gage of Emergency!
Full Disclosure:  I couldn't find a 9th grade pic.  This is 8th grade.
I rushed home from school to watch this in syndication.  I apparently took my celebrity crushes very seriously because - embarrassing fact - I actually said to my little sister, "I live for this show."  A couple years later, she tried to remind me of this conversation and by then I was so embarrassed by my dumbness, I flat out lied and pretended I had no memory of what she was talking about.  Sorry, Jo-el.  I did remember. I was trying to forget.

Tenth Grade: 

Hawkeye Pierce of  M*A*S*H

I loved this character because he was funny and flawed.  At least, this time, even as a 15-year-old, I recognized that Hawkeye in real life would be a difficult person to be around and a terrible boyfriend.  Now that I think about it, I went on to date some real life versions of him.

Throughout High School and beyond:  

Billy Joel
"Sometimes a Fantasy" is all you have left of your hair.                                    
(note: my crummy hair/reference #2)                                                         

I wasn't as clear-headed on this one. I really thought Billy and I had a chance.  I stopped buying his albums for a while when he betrayed me by marrying Christie Brinkley.

Right after High School: 

Pete Townshend   

When I discovered Pete Townshend, I immediately started two-timing Billy Joel. 

It's pretty funny that the prudish teenager who in high school was anti-drugs, anti-booze and anti-premarital sex would pick The Who to be her favorite band.  

Clearly, I wasn't anti-talent.  Pete, like Billy, won my heart with his lyrics.

Community College (a grown woman!):

Cocky Confederate Prisoner of War in
Prisoners from the Front by Winslow Homer

Johnny Reb, I hardly knew ye...

I don't know what to say.  I'm sure it was the long hair and cocky stance....and maybe that partially unbuttoned Confederate uniform. Gosh, I'm beginning to suspect that in addition to working as a war correspondent, Winslow Homer was moonlighting as a cover illustrator for 19th century Harlequin Romances. Anyway, my canvas crush was short-lived, lasting only through that particular chapter in my American History class. 

Middle-aged Weirdo:

Sawyer from Lost
This kind of looks like I had a crush on myself -
 the hair, the glasses, the eyebrow furrows.
A TV character created through the combination of good writing and good looks...what more could a girl want in a fake boyfriend?

At last, we have reached the end of a long, (but by no means comprehensive) list of my faux beaus. After reviewing this ridiculous tendency of mine, the first thought that comes to my mind is, "Wow, idol worship much, Andrea?"  I've heard it said that humans were created to worship.  It's also been said that even if we don't worship a god, we will fulfill that desire with the worship of something whether it's money, beauty, power, or talent, etc.  As a kid, was I following an instinctive urge to worship or was I just a goofy little girl with a soft heart and a huge imagination?  Maybe both.

And now, what about you?  I suspect the dork flag blows both ways.  Feel free to share your embarrassing celeb crushes in the comments below.


  1. What?! No David Hasselhoff??!! He could sing, too!

  2. I'm not ashamed to admit that I fell for one of the Golden Girls....but which one, exactly, is a secret that will go with me to my grave - or perhaps south Florida when I retire.

  3. I think my first was Shawn Cassidy, until I saw him shaking his thang in HOT PANTS! Even a the tender age of 9, I was horrified. I loved Steve Perry in jr. high.

  4. OMG , I am laughing out loud again...yes I spelled it out. Well done. I have a renewed crush on Johnny Gage because they reruns on ME TV every afternoon at 4. Don't even get me started with The Rifleman. Woof, now that was a real, imaginary sod buster.

    Shelly H

  5. My earliest crush that I can remember was probably Lindsay Wagner, AKA The Bionic Woman. She was so cool under pressure.. I loved her voice. lol and the way she would curl her hair behind her ear when she wanted to kick in the "bionic hearing". :-D

    I also had a thing for Yeoman (Janis) Rand from Star Trek. Oh yeah, and Barbara Eden! Whoooo wee! Hot damn! Oh yes.. I also liked Samantha from Bewitched. lol I apparently love women with "special powers", it seems.. although Yeoman Rand was just a lacky in a tight red outfit.... Later on it was Daisy Duke.. because Daisy Duke! duh!


Do be nice to everyone.