We're all a little weird, each in our own way. So what sets the Deeply Dorky apart from the rest of typically-weird humanity? I'd say one sure indicator is a strangely eclectic collection of pretend boyfriends. No, you say? We all have our celebrity crushes. Well, you have yet to see THIS list, my friend. I never limited myself to the typical celebrity dream lover. I went so far as to have crushes on fake TV characters and...well, it gets worse. Scroll on.
Little Joe and Hoss Cartwright from Bonanza
|I look just like Hoss.|
Actually, I was torn between Hoss and Little Joe (one was so nice and one was so cute.) I have hazy memories of pretending that the Cartwrights would come visit me, along with Batman, Robin and The Monkees. Apparently, I was quite popular.
Barnabas Collins, middle-aged bloodsucker from the 60's gothic soap opera, Dark Shadows
|I don't know which picture is more frightening.|
Johnny Mathis, recording artist
Other girls were listening to David Cassidy or Donny Osmond. I was locked in my bedroom listening to my mother's Johnny Mathis albums. Who could blame me? I'm guessing my amor for Johnny was well-known in our house because one of my younger siblings drew a word bubble onto the album cover, making Johnny say, "Aandy + me."
Tim or Jo-el, your misspelled attempt to humiliate and enrage me backfired. I treasured it.
|Note the drawn-on lip prints on Johnny's cheek.|
Seventh Grade (and forever):
|1930's Beefcake: I wanted you to enjoy this one school picture free. You are welcome.|
Johnny Gage of Emergency!
|Full Disclosure: I couldn't find a 9th grade pic. This is 8th grade.|
Hawkeye Pierce of M*A*S*H
I loved this character because he was funny and flawed. At least, this time, even as a 15-year-old, I recognized that Hawkeye in real life would be a difficult person to be around and a terrible boyfriend. Now that I think about it, I went on to date some real life versions of him.
Throughout High School and beyond:
|"Sometimes a Fantasy" is all you have left of your hair. |
(note: my crummy hair/reference #2)
I wasn't as clear-headed on this one. I really thought Billy and I had a chance. I stopped buying his albums for a while when he betrayed me by marrying Christie Brinkley.
Right after High School:
When I discovered Pete Townshend, I immediately started two-timing Billy Joel.
It's pretty funny that the prudish teenager who in high school was anti-drugs, anti-booze and anti-premarital sex would pick The Who to be her favorite band.
Clearly, I wasn't anti-talent. Pete, like Billy, won my heart with his lyrics.
Community College (a grown woman!):
Cocky Confederate Prisoner of War in
Prisoners from the Front by Winslow Homer
BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T REAL!!!
I don't know what to say. I'm sure it was the long hair and cocky stance....and maybe that partially unbuttoned Confederate uniform. Gosh, I'm beginning to suspect that in addition to working as a war correspondent, Winslow Homer was moonlighting as a cover illustrator for 19th century Harlequin Romances. Anyway, my canvas crush was short-lived, lasting only through that particular chapter in my American History class.
Sawyer from Lost
|This kind of looks like I had a crush on myself -|
the hair, the glasses, the eyebrow furrows.
A TV character created through the combination of good writing and good looks...what more could a girl want in a fake boyfriend?
At last, we have reached the end of a long, (but by no means comprehensive) list of my faux beaus. After reviewing this ridiculous tendency of mine, the first thought that comes to my mind is, "Wow, idol worship much, Andrea?" I've heard it said that humans were created to worship. It's also been said that even if we don't worship a god, we will fulfill that desire with the worship of something whether it's money, beauty, power, or talent, etc. As a kid, was I following an instinctive urge to worship or was I just a goofy little girl with a soft heart and a huge imagination? Maybe both.
And now, what about you? I suspect the dork flag blows both ways. Feel free to share your embarrassing celeb crushes in the comments below.